I wrote this entry as a note in facebook...but wanted to share it here as well...
Before anything, I would like to thank all my family and friends that contacted me out of concern after hearing about the tornados that swept through North Carolina. I feel as though I have been numb these last few days, just acting to protect my girls and my father-in-law, who was with me during this all. Everything has happened so fast and decisions needed to be made so quickly to ensure my girls had everything they would need, especially security. At times, we must do what is best for our family and put them first because they are a gift from God. As parents, we have been assigned by God to take care of our children and teach them the way in which they must walk.
Deciding to come to NJ early was a very painful decision. Although I knew it was the best thing to do for the family, it broke my heart to leave knowing that so many people - my neighbors - have just gone through so much loss. The emotions within me were very strong, yet it was as if I could not feel a thing. My mind and body switched on into a mode I never thought was capable.
Many out of love and concern would send their love our way, saying things such as "God protected you and yours", and such comments were painful to hear. I live surrounded my brothers and sisters in the Lord and there was no way I could accept that "I" was protected and the person next to me was not deserving of the same from God. NO ONE deserves so much loss and devastation...no one. God has plans far beyond our understanding and God acts in ways that we will never comprehend. That is something we all need to learn and accept. A few yards from me a tornado passed and left destruction in its path. Loss that will mark so many forever. God did not love me more than any other person that day because my home was missed by just a few yards...this was NOT a personal message from God. It was just a message from God period. It's not about the material being lost...it's about how in seconds, everything can be gone. Your home, your security, your loved one. In seconds, what you once knew no longer exists, reminding us that all this here, in this world, is so temporary. Why, oh, why do we waste our days on things that do not lead us to live a happy and fruitful life. Life is not about what we have, but who we have. A home is made up of love.
Just as the day of September 11 will mark my life and memory for the rest of my days, so will April 16 & 17. The sounds, smells, and sights will forever be engrained in my memory. As numb as I felt these last few days, my memories are so real. I can remember every bit of what I heard, smelled, and saw. Hail, the sounds of heavy wind, and the smell of fresh pine will always remind me to appreciate life, because it can all be taken away in moments. The moon will serve as the rainbow in the days of Noah...within all the chaos and destruction, there is still beauty far greater than any man can create. The moon that night, was the light of my world. I can no longer see a tree and not see an emotion. As we saw the devastation on Sunday morning, Ana became very quiet and said "because the trees were very sad". As we tried to show her the areas that were not affected and tried to convince her the trees were ok, she persisted and said, "ALL the trees are sad". In that simple statement, I realized that my daughter understood the sense of community. One tree was hurt means all the trees were hurt.
There are no words to describe how I feel. Sadness just doesn't seem to justify it. We've all seen scenes of destruction on tv and we've been touched by it, but nothing can prepare you for seeing it in person. Pictures don't do it justice.
To stand on a street you have been on so many times and not be able to recognize where you are just blows my mind. I have run those streets so many times and was so familiar with a few details and when I had to take local roads and was a bit disoriented, I headed back to the intersection of the main road to catch my bearings and get a sense of direction. I knew that place so well, but at that moment I had no clue where I was. All I remember is finally thinking "Wait, that's the Pizza Hut over there...oh my goodness, THAT is the school". The elementary school I had run through so many times to get some extra mileage in was destroyed, not recognizable. To many, the picture I took of the school didn't bring a sense of what truly happened there, but to me, that picture speaks volumes...because I remember what that school looked like before the tornado tore it to pieces.
Homes exposing rooms with furniture and tvs in their original location, but were now open for everyone to see with no walls or roofs to cover them. Tree roots completely ripped from the ground. Cars thrown against each other and flipped upside down. Branches pierced cars and walls with the strength of the wind. Trees tumbled down over homes. Homes stripped to their framing. Power lines laying on the ground. Brick walls demolished. This all sounds terrible and trust me it is, but seeing it will change you forever.
I really have no objective in writing this or moral to teach. I simply woke up in the middle of the night, the numbness of the whole experience gone, and tears started running down my face and I felt the need to share my story with you. It's not a happy one...but not everything in life is about happy endings. In the end, all I know is that I am not strong, as many think. ALL I have is a God, who I know without a doubt loves me...but no more than He loves anyone else. He moves in my favor every single day and recognize that He does. He is my strength and all I do is because He gives me the strength to get through it. This weekend, to many, I looked and acted strong, but inside I was crying...and I know my tears were not alone...God was crying with me. He loves us all...without exception. That is my God!
Before anything, I would like to thank all my family and friends that contacted me out of concern after hearing about the tornados that swept through North Carolina. I feel as though I have been numb these last few days, just acting to protect my girls and my father-in-law, who was with me during this all. Everything has happened so fast and decisions needed to be made so quickly to ensure my girls had everything they would need, especially security. At times, we must do what is best for our family and put them first because they are a gift from God. As parents, we have been assigned by God to take care of our children and teach them the way in which they must walk.
Deciding to come to NJ early was a very painful decision. Although I knew it was the best thing to do for the family, it broke my heart to leave knowing that so many people - my neighbors - have just gone through so much loss. The emotions within me were very strong, yet it was as if I could not feel a thing. My mind and body switched on into a mode I never thought was capable.
Many out of love and concern would send their love our way, saying things such as "God protected you and yours", and such comments were painful to hear. I live surrounded my brothers and sisters in the Lord and there was no way I could accept that "I" was protected and the person next to me was not deserving of the same from God. NO ONE deserves so much loss and devastation...no one. God has plans far beyond our understanding and God acts in ways that we will never comprehend. That is something we all need to learn and accept. A few yards from me a tornado passed and left destruction in its path. Loss that will mark so many forever. God did not love me more than any other person that day because my home was missed by just a few yards...this was NOT a personal message from God. It was just a message from God period. It's not about the material being lost...it's about how in seconds, everything can be gone. Your home, your security, your loved one. In seconds, what you once knew no longer exists, reminding us that all this here, in this world, is so temporary. Why, oh, why do we waste our days on things that do not lead us to live a happy and fruitful life. Life is not about what we have, but who we have. A home is made up of love.
Just as the day of September 11 will mark my life and memory for the rest of my days, so will April 16 & 17. The sounds, smells, and sights will forever be engrained in my memory. As numb as I felt these last few days, my memories are so real. I can remember every bit of what I heard, smelled, and saw. Hail, the sounds of heavy wind, and the smell of fresh pine will always remind me to appreciate life, because it can all be taken away in moments. The moon will serve as the rainbow in the days of Noah...within all the chaos and destruction, there is still beauty far greater than any man can create. The moon that night, was the light of my world. I can no longer see a tree and not see an emotion. As we saw the devastation on Sunday morning, Ana became very quiet and said "because the trees were very sad". As we tried to show her the areas that were not affected and tried to convince her the trees were ok, she persisted and said, "ALL the trees are sad". In that simple statement, I realized that my daughter understood the sense of community. One tree was hurt means all the trees were hurt.
There are no words to describe how I feel. Sadness just doesn't seem to justify it. We've all seen scenes of destruction on tv and we've been touched by it, but nothing can prepare you for seeing it in person. Pictures don't do it justice.
To stand on a street you have been on so many times and not be able to recognize where you are just blows my mind. I have run those streets so many times and was so familiar with a few details and when I had to take local roads and was a bit disoriented, I headed back to the intersection of the main road to catch my bearings and get a sense of direction. I knew that place so well, but at that moment I had no clue where I was. All I remember is finally thinking "Wait, that's the Pizza Hut over there...oh my goodness, THAT is the school". The elementary school I had run through so many times to get some extra mileage in was destroyed, not recognizable. To many, the picture I took of the school didn't bring a sense of what truly happened there, but to me, that picture speaks volumes...because I remember what that school looked like before the tornado tore it to pieces.
Homes exposing rooms with furniture and tvs in their original location, but were now open for everyone to see with no walls or roofs to cover them. Tree roots completely ripped from the ground. Cars thrown against each other and flipped upside down. Branches pierced cars and walls with the strength of the wind. Trees tumbled down over homes. Homes stripped to their framing. Power lines laying on the ground. Brick walls demolished. This all sounds terrible and trust me it is, but seeing it will change you forever.
I really have no objective in writing this or moral to teach. I simply woke up in the middle of the night, the numbness of the whole experience gone, and tears started running down my face and I felt the need to share my story with you. It's not a happy one...but not everything in life is about happy endings. In the end, all I know is that I am not strong, as many think. ALL I have is a God, who I know without a doubt loves me...but no more than He loves anyone else. He moves in my favor every single day and recognize that He does. He is my strength and all I do is because He gives me the strength to get through it. This weekend, to many, I looked and acted strong, but inside I was crying...and I know my tears were not alone...God was crying with me. He loves us all...without exception. That is my God!
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